Hello! You can call me Nella.
Once upon a time, I had my happily ever after; but what Fairy tales don’t tell
us is that sometimes these endings fall apart and become beginnings once more.
I never imagined that I would leave my life behind and be starting over,
but here we are, and this is my adventure. I’m learning about myself, love, and the world
with each passing day.
My Hope is that this journey may light the way for others, a candle on a very
Yellow=Advice from others
Sunday, 24 November 2013
Friday, 15 November 2013
After a couple of drinks with amazing co-workers, driving home too fast and blaring wild ones on the stereo, a smile stretches across my face and I acknowledge how far I’ve come.
These moments are few and far between but they remind me of how awful things once were, how much of myself I had lost. Memories from the last few months flitter before my eyes. Moustache day at work, shenanigans with Emma, dancing in her living room untill five in the morning only to wake up and keep going, the smell of Mark across the table, the feeling that I can do whatever I want and its ok now, I’m free.finally.
I need to remember to enjoy this time, because this is my life, and so much time has slipped away already. Someday when I’m sitting in my house surrounded by my grandkids I’ll think back on this time and how it all led me to exactly where I needed to be. Even though the last few months have been hard and I too often miss my life with Blake, I recognise that I have gathered some beautiful moments and learned important lessons.
I’m going to try my best to enjoy every second, even the hard ones…so here’s to the two trips I just booked. One to Cabo and one to Europe, most importantly here's to me and how far I've come.
I know people suffer much harder things all throughout our world, but every battle big or small is significant, every sorrow every tear reminds us to enjoy the moments of health and happiness.
Wednesday, 23 October 2013
Around December I started to come out of my coma. The fights seemed to calm, and I felt the parts of me that were hidden within begin to emerge once more. When thinking back, memories become crisp again as if I had simply been asleep since August. Something inside of me came back to life, and while singing along to the lyrics of “somebody I used to know” I pushed away the feeling in my heart that knew something big was coming.
Isn’t it strange how your whole world can shift and not a soul notices it? A small and unimpressive shift which somehow manages to change the very essence of who you are. Sometimes these shifts come in the form of a thought, a near death experience, a movie that moves us in an inexplicable way, maybe a friend who we run into after many years, or a family member being a little too honest. My shift came with time, building and building like a wave, until one day, I was completely different. And everything was exactly the same.
Thursday, 10 October 2013
Monday, 30 September 2013
Thursday, 29 August 2013
Tuesday, 27 August 2013
Sunday, 30 June 2013
Is it ok? No it isn’t, it’s the saddest story in the world, and I’s something that shouldn’t have happened, but does so often. Am I fine? Yes, am I happy? Sometimes, do I regret anything? No. do I miss him?
Sunday, 2 June 2013
Yes you are beautiful brave girl.
I love who you are and what you stand for;
I love your flaming courage and the way you
fling yourself into the world with reckless regard.
I am so proud of how far you’ve come.
You fought for your happiness and it was enough,
you always were.
Thursday, 30 May 2013
Change everywhere! I stare into the mirror at the freckled face framed
by a dark blonde bob and big black framed glasses; New hair, new glasses,
new shirt, new apartment, new routines, new life, old Nella?
I have been completely overwhelmed with the sheer business of life over the past two weeks. Baffled at how everything, life as I know it has moulded and shaped into something I no longer recognise, I stepped off the plane and into a world that I no longer have a place in. I wrap an old blanket around me and walk out onto the 8th floor balcony of the condo I'm staying at; staring in awe at the lightning that illuminates the entire city sky line. This is my storm.
The monstrous rumbling thunder, the cars rushing below, the rain pelting down, washing away the sins of the day. People move like ants inside their dimly lit apartments, and all of a sudden I realise that the world is exactly the way I left it all those months ago. All that has really changed is me. It's me who finally decides what that change will be, I can decide where this life will take me, old Nella? Nope. Before me stands a more mature, wiser, and stronger woman, and I love her more than ever before.
Friday, 24 May 2013
Thursday, 23 May 2013
I had a trip booked to see my cousin; I considered cancelling but realized I could use the break.
I arrived and tried to pretend that nothing had happened, covering the dark circles under my eyes with as much makeup as they could hold. Admitting what had happened would mean it was true, how could it be? As the days passed the sadness took over, and while her beautiful little girls slept in the backseat I finally broke down and cried telling her everything.
With her help and support, I decided I wasn't ready to give up on him, that this was marriage and you fought with everything you had to make it work. It had to be enough, it's all I had.
After a week away I returned to him, to our home, and I gave it an honest effort. We saw a counsellor, we had rules in place. He was to let me know where he was and when he would be home, he wasn't to get drunk without me; he was to call often on business trips. Each pathetic rule was broken, every chance at trust shattered again, again, again. He refused to go back to the counsellor.
Life continued for him as if nothing had changed; he would get frustrated with the shadow of me that was left. I incessantly cleaned, baked and decorated, our home transformed into absolute hollow beauty. We bought things to fill the holes in our chests, hot tubs, couches, and clothes, things. They left us more hollow then before.
I would go through days of trying really hard, I would do sweet things for him like make a special dinner, or leave him sweet notes in his car. A few days later I would fall apart. I believed I was crazy.
During those three months I became a zombie, the memories from that time are grey and dull and empty. The most memorable memory is when Blake went on a ski trip for work and "forgot" his phone; wild nights of drinking and fun fill his memory, crying alone on the floor of our home fill mine. In fact most of those grey nights were spent alone, my hot water-bottle desperately trying to fill the cold in that empty king sized bed.
Wednesday, 22 May 2013
Wednesday, 8 May 2013
Sunday, 5 May 2013
Every Sunday night we get dressed up and head down to “Charlie’s” a little beat up restaurant on the beach. It is run by no other than Charlie himself, who is a raging alcoholic. I can’t help but like him, he always plays Bob Marley and has a sadness about him that strangely draws me in. We have our roast beef dinner and Yorkshire pudding with friends from all over the island. As Reggae tones fill the sticky air. Stories of my parent’s childhood emerge and favourite life moments are relived. As soon as the sun sets behind the turquoise water all that can be heard is the howling of the frogs, and I know that somewhere inside me my heart is still beating.
Tuesday, 23 April 2013
Saturday, 2 March 2013
Somewhere inside of me, that tiny flame burns. Quietly melting the wax which simultaneously feeds and suffocates it. Storm winds gust around it, the flame flickers and spits, smoke masking its light.
The smoke clears and a tear of wax runs down the side of the candle. The flame flickers.
It can breathe.
Thursday, 21 February 2013
The sounds of the plane engines calm my broken soul, I try to sip at a ginger ale but my stomach has curled into itself like a scared hedgehog. Nine months of pain flash before me-crackly slides on a flickering projector.
With August 7th came our first anniversary, what a perfect day it was. We had a picnic on our lawn, our little dog running between us, taking pictures of one another in the sunshine, eating, drinking, laughing. Glasses of Champagne and a blanket on the floor in front of the naked fireplace we were renovating. Later that night our families came together and we celebrated by sharing the top layer of our wedding cake. I don't think I could have been happier in that moment, forever felt much too short.
A mere seven days later we arrived home from a camping trip, drunk with memories from the weekend, songs around the campfire, while Blake played the guitar, too many drinks, great friends and laughter on the lake.
The memory begins to blur at this point, but I remember setting some of the camping supplies down in my beautiful kitchen, feeling so happy to be home again. I walked to the back door to let the Dog out when my phone buzzed. This is the turning point of my life, in those few short seconds it took for me to read that message, my whole world changed, my universe cracked. I read the words several times in my head, "no one will tell you, so i will- your husband was kissing a girl at a wedding dance in June" I read it again out loud, I remember looking at him in disbelief, his words coldly denying the truth, I knew in my bones that they were true. I spent the next three hours in a field of the school i had always imagined our future children would attend. Those hours spent on the phone, my tears matched one by one by the biting of Mosquitos. His incessant calls, his promises that nothing happened masked by the voice of the person who recalled the night’s events, the other stories that began to surface, how no one believed this was the first time.
How he lied to me in those fragile moments, my heart clinging desperately to any hope that he was telling the truth. He betrayed me twice that day; the first time when he let me walk out that door, a second time when he let me walk back in with her on the other line. I can still hear her voice echoing throughout the walls of our house "He wasn't wearing a ring, he didn't tell me he was married, I'm sorry"
It was at that moment that Blake truly lost me, within those minutes that his beautiful blushing bride recoiled into herself and died.
He watched her.
Sunday, 17 February 2013
My friend Olivia's voice from months prior entered my head "you can't just live with her you know" she scolds, Blake turned away, I laughed nervously.
Wednesday, 30 January 2013
Thursday, 17 January 2013
Thursday, 10 January 2013
"I won’t” I promised.
I never did.
Saturday, 5 January 2013
If I had been somebody else it could have been ok. I imagine I am that I've been able to forgive him and move towards everything good that held us together. For a brief moment I feel a flutter of hope from a place I no longer remember.
I'm not entirely certain who I am exactly, which parts of me have been left behind, which parts came along. What is left?
The blinding pain I felt after those terrifying, anonymous words shattered everything I had ever built for myself, continue to destroy every promise I've ever clung to.
My thoughts drift back to our wedding day, those beautiful foggy memories, and ones that I'm certain can only be produced in the light of young, blind love. Fresh snow, untouched, except for two sets of fucking perfect footprints, how far apart those footprints have diverged, it's hard to remember that they were ever side by side.